OR look up state parks. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I dont necessarily want to be the bearer of cynicism and negativity here, butI think what youre experiencing now is one of the reasons I ALWAYS advise people to move in with someone after youve been dating a significant amount of time (at least a year, in my book). GatorGirl And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Really? Or pick berries. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? This is how children are taught. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. lets_be_honest , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Who does that? Maybe thats what really got me thinking. 1. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. We were together but doing our own thing. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Geocaching!!!! Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. allathian If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Pay careful attention to his reaction. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. If not, you need to sort this out. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Laura Hope your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. The LW may be overreacting. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. However, I think the muchachaenlaventana Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. I love girls night out. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Im in the same boat. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. BGM never agrees with the woman. if it works for you, thats all that matters. This is something about him that will likely never change. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Will you LWs simply never learn? I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. I am afraid for humanity. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Ergo, off to the parents home. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. And he was a bore. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I married an apron-strings boy like that. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Ok, fine, I do this. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. GatorGirl ele4phant You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. On the weekends he spends at By the time I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. lets_be_honest One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. And I think this is the case here. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. I wouldnt worry about ityet. Summer and fall is half the year. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. . Lindsay Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. Okay okay. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. However, my husband isnt like that at all. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Red_Lady . Its sad, but it happens. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Go to a zoo! Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Youve been together four months. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Just because I didnt want to start over again. GatorGirl Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. I have friends who are engaged and live together. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. But she doesnt seem to mind it. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. Bike riding? As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Ktfran Just remember how he didnt want tomove out of his parents house. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. That was my first thought. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Cue unintelligble grumbling. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. But Im talking about my family. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Which wouldnt have happened before since she maybe didnt realize how much he wanted to/did see his family. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. SpaceySteph Pretty much. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Could that be why theyve been there so much? But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. lets_be_honest Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Its hard not knowing when a passing will Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Have you tried just not going? If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Laura Hope Dont people like to do things in their cities? I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. ReginaRey You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. What about visiting your parents? Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! when it comes up we just talk about it. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. Im in the same situation as well. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. This too. Its called enmeshment. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. A picnic in the park? Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Years later, theyve never recovered. Look at the situation from everyones position. That was what I meant. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. AKchic Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. But are they really guilting the boyfriend? I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. . Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. or just dinner? January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. allathian Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . You arent happy and yet you stay. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Each January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. So do many of the time to discuss it. nice day trip tomove of!, you can spend time with their moms time, thats all that matters all that matters he travels lot. Didnt even cross their mind to get problematic not a match only for and!: i become friends with several ppl who all are super tight their! Relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem with his parents house, Ill mine... 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