If nothing changes, then its time to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. Seriously though, people who want to help you may not always manage to do so in the right ways when they first start trying, but you have clearly told your b/f what you need, and he is ignoring your stated needs. For example, he seems to want a skinny girlfriend, and she wants a boyfriend who isnt a nagging douchecanoe. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. I dont try to argue other people out of their feelings, because unless I develop telepathy (avert! Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. 5. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. For example, wed be driving home from a fun night out with friends and he would tell me all of the things I had said that *could have* been offensive to someone there. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. All the logical, reasonable, skeptical partners that the LWs describe are always trying to use their logic to make other people feel like crap about what they feel. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. Think hard and make plans. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. How can I respond when he gets mad at me for not being good enough? Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. You speak for me! He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. May I just say that I love the analogy of a starter husband the one that makes you learn what to look out for next time. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. Not because Ive been on the receiving endactually quite the opposite, as I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly miserable and did absolutely nothing to try and rectify it. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. The point is, I actively try to be a better partner and to listen to what he wants, and not just do to him what I think he needs. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). Reasonable. If LW says Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. He was trying to help in similarly pushy ways. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. But let me tell you a little of my story. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. You know that he is flirting with those other girls, even if you cant see him do it. Worst case scenario, it can lead to more blatant abuse (sounds like he already has manifested abusive tendencies with the name calling and the silent treatment). LW, I have had trouble loving and trusting myself and when I am very stressed I still have issues with self loathing, but what I had to learn (and have to remind myself sometimes) is that I dont have to *do* anything to have worth. He also once painted a portrait of Hitler, which has got to be one of the worlds most dubious claims to fame! To literally hear them from an external source that would be really hard to take, and hard to stay healthy. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. That is some toxic logic there! You're not sure what it is that might be going on, then give him space and don't contact him for a little while. When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Give him some space to take care of his things and do what he needs to do before you start making demands on how much time he should be spending with you or expecting that your relationship will always come first every single time without question. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. He (and my Dad!) Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. Be honest about how you feel. Bottom line is the conversation . I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? I was in a relationship like this! When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) Treats are a vital part of a healthy diet. If he does answer, sometimes it takes a while unlike before where there were never more than two rings on the line before he picked up now it can take five or six rings! Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. I like this script because it avoids the teacher/student roles and makes exercise and cleaning and healthy eating something for EVERYONE. Or something like that, anyway. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) Aargh, accidentally hit reply before done editing. The thing here is that logic and reason are being juxtaposed against emotion as binary opposites. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. he said, thats great! He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Its also almost impossible to judge a situation from one account one letter, in this instance. But now, he doesnt suggest doing anything together anymore either. *I do not recommend you use this tone, Im just naturally combative and I hate being told what to do. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. Respect is really important in relationships. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. This is not a democracy. Similarly, with the do more cleaning thing theres plenty of plausible deniability, because living with someone who doesnt pick up after themselves sucks. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? And how can we fix it? No give me your logical reasons why this is a thing that is hurtful, no I dont think youre actually hurt about this, I think its this other thing. Or maybe its because walking isnt competitive in any way? My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. Your b/f much to his dismay, perhaps is not the boss of you. He is allowed to disagree with you and to hold a different view, but to shut down your view like that is a red flag. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. Accepting you means accepting that. 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